22 tips you can't live without.................1. Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.
2. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
4. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
5. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.
6. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
7. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
8. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
9. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
10. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
11. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
12. Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.
13. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
14. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
15. At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
16. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.
17. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
18. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
19. Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
20. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
21. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
22. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. (Haha)
...and if you enjoyed that..............A man dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, rum, guiness, stella, ...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
....this is totally freaky...........1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11 letters
3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.
4) George W Bush has 11 letters. This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting: 1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11. 3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers.6+5 = 11 5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1=11
6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911. 9 + 1 + 1 =11.
Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your>own mind:
1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jackedplanes was 254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again 2 + 5 + 4> = 11.
3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2> >>+ 4 = 11.
4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.Now this is where things get totally eerie:The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo,while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.Still uncovinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end: OPEN MICROSOFT WORD AND DO THE FOLLOWING:
1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.
2. Highlight the Q33 NY.
3. Change the font size to 48.
4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS
What do you think now?!!
If only,if only...........
Knew I played golf for a reason....
A wise man right here................
